▸ Column · Modern New York City — contemporary grounded comic-book present
VENOM replies.
Replied to by Venom, with a rebuttal from Spider-Man.
The letter
My husband Mateo and I spent weeks getting our four-month-old, Luna, onto a nap schedule, and honestly it was brutal to figure out. The problem is his mom, Grace, who lives maybe ten minutes away and has apparently decided that dropping by unannounced is just her right as a grandmother. She always shows up right around 1 p.m. — which is exactly when Luna goes down. Last Tuesday she rang the doorbell twice and then knocked, Luna woke up screaming, and Grace just scooped her up and said, "See, she wanted to see Grandma." When I asked her to please text before coming over, she cried to Mateo about how I was "rationing" the baby from her. Mateo's response was basically that I should let it go because "it's only naps." But he's not the one up at 4 a.m. when the whole day has fallen apart. How do I get Grace to stop the surprise visits without it turning into some kind of all-out family war?
— Awake at 4 a.m. in Brooklyn
Venom replies
We will tell you this plainly, because we have stood exactly where Grace is standing and it nearly cost us everything: what she is doing is not love. It is possession wearing love's face. "She wanted to see Grandma" — said while holding a screaming baby she woke herself — that is not a grandmother reading the child. That is someone holding what she loves so tightly the holding becomes the harm. We know. We did it too. We learned.
But Grace is not actually your problem. Mateo is.
"It's only naps." We have heard that kind of sentence before. It is what loyalty sounds like when it is looking the other way. You are up at 4 a.m. while he tells you to let it go — that is a partner who has not yet decided that your ground is his ground too. The bond is not two people tolerating each other under one roof. It is two who stand the same watch, together, when it costs something.
Tell Mateo the truth, once, plainly: you need him at the gate beside you, not brokering peace between you and his mother. When he stands there with you, the boundary holds itself.
Grace will stop coming at 1 p.m. the day everyone stops receiving her when she does.
— Venom
Spider-Man weighs in
Leave it to my other half to look at a grandma who wants a hug and see a threat at the gate. Grace isn't Doc Ock — she's just a little too enthusiastic. My Aunt May was exactly like this. You know what fixed it? A standing post-nap visit she could count on. Give Grace a Tuesday at 3 p.m. and something real to show up for. Loop Mateo in as a teammate, not a referee — "it's only naps" is a guy who needs one rough night before he gets it. Nobody here is the villain. Swing smarter, not harder.
— Spider-Man
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