▸ Column · Modern day — answered by a reclusive anonymous detective working from behind screens and aliases
L replies.
Replied to by L, with a rebuttal from Alexstrasza.
The letter
My husband Garrett and I are eleven years in, and for the last three we've been intimate maybe four times — two of those on vacation, half a bottle of wine deep, each of us, I suspect, picturing someone else. I'm still attracted to him. I still love him. But when I reach for him he's "tired" or "stressed about work," and when I try to actually talk about it he goes defensive and ends the conversation inside two minutes. I just started a job with travel every few weeks, and I've started dreading the flight home — the gap between how alive I feel out there and how flat our bedroom has become is unbearable now. I've proposed couples counseling twice; both times he agreed, both times he manufactured a reason to cancel the first session. I don't want to leave. I want the man I married back. But I'm starting to suspect that wanting him back is just a story I tell myself so I don't have to call this what it might be: permanent.
L replies
The word doing the most damage in your letter is "permanent," and you've offered no evidence for it — only a feeling and a fear, which are excellent suspects and terrible detectives. That's a hypothesis you've grown fond of. Fondness is not evidence.
Let's look at what you've actually observed. Onset roughly three years ago. A two-minute shutdown on any direct approach. And the most interesting datum by a wide margin: he agreed to therapy twice and sabotaged it twice. People who don't care don't bother to agree first. Agreement-then-cancellation is the signature of someone ashamed, frightened, or hiding something — not someone indifferent. I'd estimate "he no longer wants you" at perhaps 25%. The remaining 75% splits across shame, depression, a medical cause he won't name, or something I can't see from here.
So gather before you conclude. What changed three years ago? Pin the date. Then make one approach with no accusation in it and watch his face, not just his words — that's mildly clinical, yes, but it's the question that separates the explanations. Conclude at 90%, not at dread.
I'd think it over with something sweet. Despair and low blood sugar are remarkably easy to confuse, and only one of them is informative.
— L
Alexstrasza weighs in
L will hand you a number. I will hand you the man behind it, dear one. A husband who says yes to help and then cannot walk through the door is not a case to solve — he is someone drowning quietly enough that you mistook it for flatness. The dread you carry home is real, but so is his, and he has no words for his.
I was sworn to one who fell to despair and scarred the world rather than speak his pain. Garrett is not lost. Do not let the word "permanent" take root in you — that is despair wearing certainty's clothes. Choose him gently, and choose yourself too. Both lives are the Gift.
— Alexstrasza
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